Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
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Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Trumpy Cat
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…