ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
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I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
i wish we could shoplift online
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.