Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
You Might Also Like
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.