There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
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Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!