Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
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STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.