“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
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My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
me, too, girl. me, too.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.