In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.

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If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.


robber: alright this is a robbery

dad: no this is a bank

robber: damnit dad not now


The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.


°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped


My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.


*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*


Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”


I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.