In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
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*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
*orders delivery*
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.