we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
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“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
still the best tweet of the year by far
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.