Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
You Might Also Like
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Childbirth is so beautiful