the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
You Might Also Like
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Running from your problems is cardio .
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent