*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
You Might Also Like
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
🖤✌🏽
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Everything reminds me of my ex
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!