[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
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The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Just as the prophecy foretold
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.