8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
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My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?