NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
You Might Also Like
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.