Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
You Might Also Like
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.