when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
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Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Fries, not lies.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”