when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
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If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
So creative 😂
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
