And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
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Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
How does one answer this?
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!