This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
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The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Order here:
More here:
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?