Fries, not lies.
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Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
This is a sub tweet
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.