I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
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Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.