Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
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All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
From my Mom
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
I mean…but I did
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.