Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
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[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
uh oh
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.