Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
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Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.