I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
You Might Also Like
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA