me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
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Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up