At what age should you put the tonsils back in
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If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Taking phone security to the next level.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
no such thing as a dumb question
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes