At what age should you put the tonsils back in
You Might Also Like
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Sticker placement is key.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
meow
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
put ‘er there pardner!
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.