Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
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Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor