*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*![]()
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“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
New tinder profile pic
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“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
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