The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
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*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
I have many caverns
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat