The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
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When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
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Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”