mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
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Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Lmfao
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk