[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
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[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Spring cleaning checklist…
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.