I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
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Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.