What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
You Might Also Like
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?