I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
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I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.