[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
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I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.