Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
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Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
no!! no!!!!!!
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.