David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
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My new favorite headline
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers