*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
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Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*