After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
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In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
This sounds bad: