“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
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A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.