I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
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A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you