Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
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u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.
She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”
584.
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We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
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Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.