Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
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Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Peter Parker Peter Driver
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?