Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
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Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.