Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
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my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Life cycle of cat
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…