Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
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Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
I love it all
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I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
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I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.