Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute
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Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
I enjoy a good short stor
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.