My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
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You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
79.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
we’re dead?
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.