Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
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*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”