LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
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Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.