Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
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There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
You know…for fall…
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.