I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
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Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem