[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
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No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.